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The Assless Chapel #14: Awards Edition

Updated: Feb 14, 2023


This week’s screed is all about giving everyone awards for their contributions to the camp. I was hoping to get a video of one mega-celebrity I don’t give a shit about slapping another mega-celebrity I don’t give a shit about, but I don’t know any mega-celebrities – and, if I did, I’d probably give a shit about them. So, with no further ado and in alphabetical order:

Curtis gets the You Know Everything Will Be OK Because Curtis Is Here award, along with the Golden Taint Award. The latter award is given to Curtis for the shallowest of reasons: he has as lovely a taint as a man can have. And the former award is pretty self-explanatory. Whatever the problem, whatever the obstacle, I always felt like, with Curtis around, we had a Burn Dad in the room who would have the answers, the skills, the grit, the creativity to make sure we would achieve our goals and all would be ok. And that’s a big deal. Now, our goal for next year: rely on Curtis less while accomplishing more!

Lishy gets the Stealth Virgin award. I know that sounds like when Catholic girls do butt stuff in college because they’re waiting for marriage, but that’s not, of course, what I’m getting at. Did Lishy ever seem stressed or overwhelmed? Nope, always even keeled. And when she showed up, she got set up without help and had the – literally – coolest tent of all of us. She never missed a thing she was supposed to be at – despite my ludicrous propensity to send her on wild goose chases. And she had that Leave No Trace principle down. In short, not only was she not a drag on the camp, but a continual and unequivocal contributor. If I hadn’t already known, I’d have thought she was a veteran burner.

Red gets the John Henry award. John Henry was a classic American folk hero, a steel-driving man of unparalleled prowess and endurance. If there was work to be done, there Red would be, getting it done piece-by-piece, one lag screw at a time; doing it well and doing it to completion. Never refusing or complaining. I believe that is the highest work ethic to melanin ratio I’ve ever seen in a man.

Sia gets the Great Unexpected award. No, I’m not talking about when she made Dan marry her, nor when some random dude showed up with my trike and ice at the camp (maybe Sia should get the Most Able to Motivate a Random Dude to Do Stuff Award?) I’m talking about the unexpected thoughts and statements she would bring to our vibe that got us talking philosophically in a way the rest of us were rarely able to spark. And also when she offered everyone borscht and revealed a cooler full of Ziploc bags of borscht. She made us laugh, she made us think, she made us learn to expect the unexpected. And, I’m not sure if any of you had heard of the handpan before, but she made unexpectedly lovely music with that thing!

Squid gets the My Burn Was Better Because of Squid’s Preparation award. Showers, food, whiskey-peach-ice cream, a great attitude, fart machine pranks, and the list goes on. Squid made me feel like a welfare recipient. What did I do that I deserved all her largesse? Take a shower, have drunken ice cream and a good laugh – all because of Squid. If I make it out to Salida, I’m treating Squid and Curtis to sushi and caviar – served on my freshly waxed tush. (Please note nothing in this newsletter is legally-binding.)

The Awad Clan get the Benevolent Benefactors award. We were all deeply saddened that you guys couldn’t make it and even more to hear why. But please know that we all seriously appreciate how much you put into the camp and look forward to next year, when you can enjoy the fruits of your own efforts.

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